How Do We Make Life Choices?

Why is it we don’t notice the warning signs until it’s too late?

Currently my partner and I are going separate ways, we’ll see what comes of it, but this is my second breakup and pretty much similar circumstances… It’s made me stop and think about a few things.

I knew things weren’t working, I would try to talk about it with my partner (during both relationships), but I always got the same responses, “not now,” or “it’ll sort itself out.” Why do men react this way and then when we’ve had enough all of a sudden want to fight with all they have? Why can’t they see the warning signs when we start to alarm them? But at the same time why is it we don’t decide to make it final until we’ve officially found there’s nothing left to give?

On both occasions I found my partner has suggested if I told him how bad it was, and how serious it was to me he’d have made an effort… But how was I suppose to do this when he would never deal with my issues, and wouldn’t talk to me about our relationship? There were plenty of times I wanted to talk and I would always get told “not now.” Now in my eyes it’s over, I don’t feel much anymore, I mean I still care about him but I don’t want any kind of intimacy, it’s hard to describe. Yet, I’m made to feel like (on both occasions) that I should have done more. How do you save a relationship before it’s too late when there’s only one-way communication?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and it made me wonder… How do you make a man stop, take notice of you and take you seriously? That is without threatening to leave? I didn’t want to blackmail him into talking to me be threatening to leave, at that time it would’ve felt felt wrong and mean, but now that isn’t a threat, it’s reality. I would like to learn from this experience however, as I don’t want to lose another good relationship and in the future I would like to build a better foundation, one where I feel like I can talk, be heard and taken seriously.

I feel like I’m getting the better deal though, I’m the one choosing to leave and although I have been as fair as I can be (neither of us is really getting out on a bad foot). I just feel like the bad guy! No matter what I do I feel like because I’m leaving I’m doing some horrible thing, but if this relationship can’t move forward and neither of us has been happy, and at least for me it’s now past rectifying how can I truly stay?

I have been looking at other relationships a lot lately, especially those who have been in strong partnerships for many many years, and wondering how they do it. I wonder about some if they stay out of a sense of responsibility, because they feel they have nowhere else to go or stand to lose too much, or simply because they have a loving comfort with the other person. Since I haven’t reached that situation I guess it’s hard to really understand, but I have been wondering if our culture has too much freedom, too many choices and we’ve been too spoilt.

There is a culture around at the moment “YOLO” you only live once, and it makes me wonder if we’ve thrown away some of our values for selfish reasons. Although I’m leaving to pursue my own happiness does that mean I should forsake those of the person I love? How do you know what you “should” do? How do you know you’ve done the right thing?

Since this is happening in the same way as the last time, I started to wonder if maybe it was me. Most of my friends have slipped easily into relationships, that seems strong and safe for them, but I seem to be searching for something more mad I’m worried that in my search I might be throwing away something I should have held onto with both hands. I want all the same things my friends have wanted; a family, children and a reliable career, all of which I could have had in both my previous relationships. But a live ended up with is job security and now I’m back at the beginning again, and as I head towards 30, I’m starting to wonder if I’m wasting time and whether I should be making the most of what I have.

Is life about experiencing all we can and reaching for bigger and better experiences, or about getting into a groove, to share with other people? Both can be rewarding, but I feel almost like I haven’t made a choice. I have trouble just deciding on lunch, how can I make such a big decision about my life? And, how much more time can I waste finding out. I didn’t get a job in the field I was aiming at until I was 28, I didn’t know what I wanted to do, and yet now I have the job I want I don’t know what I want with the rest of my life… I don’t know if I should take this time out to save and take some holidays (something I’ve never ever been able to do in my past), or focus on becoming grounded and settle in with someone because I don’t want to miss out on having a family…

Maybe I think too much, and I know I am freaking out about turning 30 next year, but I thought I would be at a certain point by now and I feel like I’m neither here nor there… Wherever that was meant to be!

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About myhousewifelifeblog

I am a nurse by trade, and a traditional "de facto" housewife by nature. Constantly seeking a more organised existence. I like to cook, sew and play my keyboard. I try to keep my house organised but I've not yet mastered this, and I am endeavouring to reach my image of ultimate organisation at home. I'm not sure if it's possible, but I'll give it a go.
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6 Responses to How Do We Make Life Choices?

  1. I have the same thoughts and questions deep inside. Would love to connect with you.

    • It’s hard to know when we’re on the right track. I have lots of doubts, I feel guilty and apprehensive but I am constantly reassured I’m doing the right thing.

      I would like to think that when one part of our lives close or end better opportunities open up to us.

      Check me out on facebook or email me at myhousewifelife@hotmail.com

  2. complicitgrace says:

    You touched on that point we hit when we just don’t care and it is something I am actually researching….that point/feeling we experience the “I just don’t care anymore.” is what is referred to as contempt….it is usually follows anger….it wasn’t until I thought about all my relationships not only romantic relationships that I was able to understand what typically followed my high level of frustration of not being heard……I would leave….I also like to refer to it as when the other person has fallen off of the pedestal I have placed them upon….much like you I sought resolution to the threat of my ex-husband falling off of that pedestal….I sought it so hard but realized he could/would not hear my pleas….I honestly believe his inability to hear me is related to his arrogance and belief I would never leave…he even told me at one point I didn’t have a choice…which also helped him to swiftly fall off of that pedestal…..leaving me angry as hell and filled with contempt which I expressed in a horrendous manner….why won’t they listen…when I hit the point of not caring anymore and he realized I was serious he tried to win me back but it was too late….this is just one of my examples … what interests me is that moment when we no longer care and how do we prevent that …. a lot to noodle on…thank you

    • Thank you for sharing that with me. I’m not very good at putting things into words but that describes exactly how I am. I did it in my last relationship too. I feel like they both got so comfortable and thought they had nothing to fear that they never put in any effort to even talk to me about things that were important to me, they didn’t see it coming and by the time it came I had completely given up. For me to leave or consider leaving is really the end, I truly do believe in communicating and it’s so hard when they don’t see it until it’s too late.

      I have been wondering this time what if I’d just threatened to leave sooner? Maybe it would’ve been different… In the end all the things I used to tolerate just made me frustrated.

      Thank you so much for commenting, it’s great to know I’m not alone, after being told it’s all my fault and I should’ve tried harder. Sometimes I wonder like I said before if I’d threatened to leave would that have been enough for him to respond? I guess I just have to take something to learn for next time. 🙂 Thanks again

  3. complicitgrace says:

    You know the most valuable lesson I’m learning from all of this insanity is to be present and listen to how I feel as that will determine the choices I make…..something we are taught to ignore and soldier on and suck it up when in reality our feelings are trying to communicate something very valuable

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