Now that my uni semester is over it’s time for me to take some time out. I have a few days off work coming up, I had today off and on night duty tomorrow, so I have all of the day time off. There’s so much that needs doing because I’ve been so busy, and I was sick for a week.
I have wedding plans that need organising, and the closer it gets the more I seem to find that we need to do. I have a house inspection coming up, so tomorrow looks like it will be a cleaning day, and there’s laundry to catch up on, paperwork that needs to be filed… I feel like I’m so far behind on life it’s hard to catch up. I have things on my to-do list that I “want” to do, I want to read books for fun, clean up my blog posts since my focus has changed from what it used to be. I want to get back into some sewing, and spend my tv time with some crochet instead of the computer. I really want to break some bad habits, and get my old routines back.
How do people work full-time, often overtime, sustain a household, study and raise children? I don’t have children, but I struggle to stay on top of the others. I try to plan my time, to catch up with my friends but I feel like the parts that fall away when I’m busy are the social ones, and the house when it gets really busy. Luckily I have a lovely partner, he helps where he can, but he has full-time study and work as well. We have a good domestic partnership around the house, I do most of the cooking, he does the dishes and cleans the kitchen as I go, he helps with the laundry while I’m at work, he helps with the housework, picks up the slack all the time. In fact I don’t know what I’d do without him to be honest, and now more than ever I don’t know how I did it before he came along.
But here I am wondering how to catch up on all the things I need to do. I feel like maybe I need a good two weeks off just to do these things. I have all these things I want to do, I’m studying because I want to improve my skills at work, but I love writing as well, and I would love to learn how to write properly. I want to learn more sewing skills, I want to have proper piano lessons, we’re getting married this year and I want to have children some day. I was watching sex and the city tonight, surprise surprise, and I started thinking when they were talking about their biological clock. If you look at the current life expectancy I’m already one third through, and what do I have to show for it? A heap of belongings, a degree and my relationships with people. What are we meant to have? What do I want to have? I guess I had an idea once upon a time about what I expected to have by now, and I worry that at some point we will have to choose and prioritise between having a family of our own, or buying a house. The two things I really want to have both of. I guess that’s the definition of being a woman. While I was watching sex and the city Carrie was talking about choosing whether or not to give up on having a family, and I know these are fictional characters, but watching it makes me think about my own circumstances from time to time.
My Mum died when I was young, when she was only 32, and I wonder if it makes me treasure my time more, that I realise how fragile life is. I guess being a nurse is an addition to that too, I see people in fragile states all the time, and I see people who take their health for granted. It’s so frustrating to see them making bad choices, despite the education offered to them, the services supplied to them, yet they only figure it out when someone they love is at risk, or when it’s too late for them. I don’t like to be preachy to them, but I realised what I was doing to myself. I wasn’t really at risk of dying, but when I gained 50kgs I became pre-diabetic, my heart rate increased by 30 beats per minute, and tasks like making the bed left me breathless. Eventually after watching my uncle and realising what it really takes to lose weight (ie, there are no quick fixes), I started on the right track. I realised I needed to stop adulting like a child, realise there are some things you just can’t do, be an adult and make some changes. Here I am 45kgs lighter, my heart rate is now 30+ beats less per minute than it was when I gained the weight, I’m able to exercise and I enjoy it for the first time. I’m enjoying having the freedom to do the things I never used to be able to do, and I want to share this with people who don’t get it. Sometimes I wonder if seeing my journey might make them change their minds, but so many people say it’s just too hard. But, how hard is it going to be when you throw away all the last chances, and all that’s left is suffering and low quality of life.
So I guess it’s just a sentimental night over here, but I do wonder where is this journey leading? Can we really get through everything we want to, or do we just need hope and dreams to keep us motivated? After all once we achieve these things, something else will probably come along. I would like to think that there will always be something, to keep us excited about life, and motivated to do something meaningful for ourselves.