Things are truly put into perspective when you have a scare. This week at work I lost a small diamond off my engagement ring, you can imagine the feelings the ran through me… Disbelief, horror and reasoning!
I first realised it when I was at morning tea at work, I noticed the big space where the stone used to be was now nothing more than an empty hole. I metaphor for my relationship? That ring has caused nothing but grief over the last 3 weeks, out of nowhere I have developed a kind of dermatitis underneath it where moisture has obviously been getting trapped with the amount of times I have to wash my hands at work. But, why did it take so long to start occurring, I have been wearing that ring now for over a year, and the wedding ring with it for 5 months, then a diamond falls out of it.
As soon as I noticed I was out in the corridor on my phone calling the jeweller to see what I could do about it. Luckily they have a 7 year warranty on diamonds in their engagement rings, so I had my husband come to work and take it straight away to the jeweller who is going to have it replaced.
After all the full passed I found myself making jokes about the ring being a metaphor after him having a week of night shifts and me being on afternoon shifts we hardly saw each other and maybe there was a “hole” developing. Just jokes of course, we are just the same as always, no holes that I could imagine.
Tonight I was reading a book “Happier at home”, it’s the sequel to the “Happiness Project” I mentioned previously (lately probably over and over again – it’s really inspiring me to be better), and upon which I am basing this happiness revolution I am practicing at the moment. As I was reading tonight, the chapter is on marriage, I was thinking about how much I could relate to what she was saying and the points she was making. In this marriage chapter Gretchen talks about how men and women in relationships and marriage tend to get too comfortable with each other, to the point they feel comfortable to be rude like they would with a sibling, but in a way they wouldn’t even treat their close friends. As I was reading this I was thinking about my relationship, only tonight we were having a disagreement about the dishwasher, not about who would fill or empty it but I was complaining about my husband being too vigilant with it, to the point he puts things in it that I haven’t even finished with and to the point that I can’t even make a coffee as all the spoons and mugs I would usually use are in there, things I would normally just rinse or wash by hand so I could reuse them. We have previously commented on how comfortable we are with each other that we feel we can express ourselves as we do with our siblings, something no one has ever achieved with either of us (other than our siblings). But, as I was reading this I was thinking the book is right, this is actually a negative aspect. While we feel completely comfortable, we can say things that are rude and blunt to each other, and it got me to thinking that I need to be more positive… In many aspects of my life really.
So I have made myself a few new rules, which it seems like I am doing a lot of lately, and I seem to be forgetting almost all of them too. But the problem is really our level of mindfulness. We don’t realise what we’ve said until it’s too late. Our words are like toothpaste, once they are out there’s no getting them back in. I need to think a little more before I say things out loud. I need to think about his feelings before I express my own, remembering my mood affects his. Do something nice for him, and praise him for something rather than criticising. People respond to positive reinforcement rather than negativity. I know this works on him, he is a chameleon, he mirrors my behaviour, but I guess you get what you give to some degree. When I do more around the house I get compliments and positive reinforcement.
Although I have now painted a bad picture of what our relationship is like, these are only rare moments, we rarely disagree on important things, we discuss everything together, and we have the same goals in life. We are both ambitious, and we hold the other in high importance, always wanting to be better for them. I guess much about what this was for me, my happiness resolution was to make myself happier by reducing stress and negativity and just being calmer, which has in turn affected him too.
I guess I have come to the conclusion that although my ring is in a way a metaphor for what our relationship has become, whereby we have a hole for niceties to fall through, I am working at plugging it up with positivities. And, while I have been wearing only my wedding band I have been reminded to keep it simple… Not that my wedding band is “plain”, but it is simple, just a thin band with some small diamonds across the top. Sums me up really. I’m very much “what you see is what you get”. A little bit of sparkle, but mostly I’m not complicated. My positives will surely become “our positives”.